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Cooking with Saurus
A Talk With Friedrich Flashingpan, School Chef by Joseph Howse, Paladin Reporter Have you, like me, been itching to decipher the recipe for the kebabs in the cafeteria? Then look no further! Friedrich Flashingpan, our School Chef and graduate of the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery, takes us behind his kitchen doors for an exclusive look. Joseph Howse: Thank you so much for inviting us in, Friedrich. Friedrich Flashingpan: My pleasure, Joseph. JH: Now, I see we have some scrumptious ingredients laid out already, but before we start cooking, would you mind telling us why you decided to turn from wizardry to gastronomy? FF: Well, Joseph, I don’t view it as an either/or. Cooking is its own kind of magic and magic is its own kind of cooking. I love to see the look on people’s faces when I tickle them with Force Bolt; it’s the same look when they taste my food. JH: Ah! Yes, I think we see that look every day in the cafeteria. FF: That is so gratifying. JH: Say, then, what do we have on the counter here? FF: Oh! Oh-ho! This is really something decadent. JH: Shapeirian Saurus, if I’m not mistaken. FF: Well, you are mistaken. Laughter. Not Shapeirian, that is. You see, since the Sultan’s decreed that every saurus must be doused with a dispel potion, Shapeirian has been rather pricey, and we must keep tuition down; am I right? But, actually, you will like this every bit as much: free-range Spielburger. JH: Right. I should have known from the color. FF: A common beginner’s mistake. You will learn. Now, I want your readers to know that true hero-chefs care about the livestock’s quality of life. All my sauri have been treated to Calm spells and massages from the hatchling stage on, and some Bard even plays the pipes for them. JH: That’s… very comforting. FF: Yes, and when the time comes for—you know—it’s always done humanely. Dazzle. Lightning Ball. They never see or feel it. JH: sound in throat. Hmm. Well, won’t you show us the kitchen end of the process? FF: Yes, I’d best get on with it because I must work to the clock here. First, any true chef takes the time to tenderize the meat. This step is especially important if you have to substitute supersaurus, terrorsaurus or dinosaur for the regular saurus. JH: How often does that need arise? FF: Oh, never here! But I tell you in case you need to know for wilderness survival someday. JH: Ah. I notice you’re tenderizing with Force Bolt, there. Does magic help to take the sweat out of kitchen work? FF: Hardly! Notice the mana and stamina pills I keep on my shelves. JH: I do see, now that you mention it. What about these healing pills? What are they for? FF: I’ll explain in one moment. First, would you pick up that pan? JH: Sure. Gaaah! FF: See? Some prankster has Zapped the pan. You have to watch for this sort of shenanigan in schools. Healing pill? JH: Ow! Don’t mind if I do. What about those other pills, though, in the purple bottle? FF: You mean the poison cure? I should have thought it was obvious. These free-range sauri can sometimes swallow toadstools. JH: Right. Naturally. Well, it’s awfully good of you to test the food for the rest of us. FF: Don’t mention it. Lovely, how the leaves turn blue this time of year; don’t you think? JH: Um… I can’t say I’d noticed. What do we do with this pan? FF: We… Grue goo, grue goo—here it is! We grease the pan with the very best grue goo: extra virgin, straight off the top of the swamp! JH: Mordavian? FF: Obviously! JH: With so many brands of grue goo in Mordavian import/export stores these days, how do you judge the good from the bad? FF: Well, you really have to eyeball it…. Er, poor choice of words, perhaps. Anyway, check whether it has gray chunks in it. The gray isn’t good. JH: I’m sure we can remember that. FF: Just cast Fetch on it if it sticks to the bottle. There. Now that our pan is greased, the next step is to put in the saurus bits, cover the pan with something—I use one of these flat pieces of metal the Warriors carry around—stuff it in the oven, and… You don’t happen to have one of those handy blue fire-starters, do you? JH: Uh… I haven’t earned my Paladin sword yet. FF: Oh, shame. I’ve been dying to see whether Saurus tastes any different blue-braised. JH: I don’t think the Paladin sword is meant for… FF: Never mind. Flame Dart does nicely. Sizzz. Now, we’ll just Fetch that hot pan out of the oven, and use this skewer… JH: Spear. FF: Whatever you call it. The Warriors’ hall is just full of useful kitchenware. Here, you must be the first to taste these kebabs! JH: Mmm! Hmm, it’s so…! FF: Mhh! I couldn’t have said it any better myself! JH: Thank you, Friedrich. We’re just incredibly grateful. FF: Of course. As an additional treat, Friedrich later sent me his dessert recipe for gruesicles: Mix half-and-half extra virgin grue goo and Pool of Peace water in small metal cups. Add gruesicle sticks. (Throwing darts will do.) (3) Cast Frost Bite. (4) Use Flame Dart, Force Bolt or Fetch to loosen gruesicles from cups. (5) Serve. Easy—for Wizards, anyway! Category:Ars Heroica